Isolation and motherhood: why so many moms feel lonely

The arrival of a baby brings joy and contentment. Even with your busy days, however, you may feel lonely. Rest assured: it’s more common than you might think.

Becoming a mom is a beautiful adventure. But it’s also a major upheaval that upends our social lives. When a baby arrives, the family grows. Daily life, meanwhile, is transformed. Dinners with friends give way to feedings, naps and diaper changes. Between the fatigue and shortened nights, the outside world can seem very far away. Sometimes, this feeling sets in even before giving birth.

If this sounds like you, know that you are not alone. This feeling of loneliness is perfectly normal and is much more common than people realize. Fortunately, there are a number of initiatives that can help you overcome isolation and build a support network.

Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone. You may have people around you, such as family, visitors and loved ones who check in on you… There may still be times, however, when you feel as though no one truly understands what you are going through.

Loneliness, even during pregnancy, is more common than people realize. As maternity leave approaches, there is a gradual withdrawal from work and social activities. Social get-togethers with friends who do not yet have children or who have decided against parenthood become less frequent. In the final trimester, fatigue makes outings more demanding. Many expectant mothers then feel as though they are caught between two worlds, particularly if it is their first pregnancy. The life they have always known is fading away, but their new life has not yet begun.

Once the baby arrives, relationships with the people around you change as well. For example, the topics of conversation are no longer quite the same with friends who do not have children. Not to mention the fact that schedules no longer line up! These changes are normal and simply provide an opportunity for people to rethink their social activities.

Primary causes of isolation

• Social and professional life on hold: maternity leave temporarily puts an end to evenings out with friends and daily interactions with colleagues.
• Fatigue and lack of sleep: when nights are short, you have to tap into your energy reserves just to see people.
• The logistics of going out: going out with a baby can become quite an undertaking. Diaper bag, feeding and napping schedules, carrying the car seat and stroller – so many details to plan for!
• A less present “village”: family sometimes lives far away, and your support network is not always available when you need it.
• Social media pressure: online media showcases mothers who always seem radiant and organized. It’s hard not to make comparisons! You need to remember, however, that these images show only a small part of reality.
• The gap between expectations and reality: you may expect to feel completely fulfilled in your new role, but this idealized image of motherhood leaves little room for less positive feelings – feelings that are still taboo today. As a result, people don’t always have the courage to admit that they are feeling lonely.

For generations, children grew up surrounded by a large community, such as grandparents, aunts and neighbours. There was always someone around to lend a hand.

Today, this community is eroding. The Institut de la statistique du Québec observes that the support network provided by relatives is less available than before. In 2015, 18% of mothers of toddlers reported having a support network that was not very available. In 2022, this percentage rose to 28%.¹ This means that many women now have less support to draw on than before.

Basically, feeling lonely is not a personal failure. A number of external factors can contribute to this feeling. Fortunately, you have the ability to build a village – one connection at a time. Here are a few ideas to help you build your own – and at your own pace.

Below are our top tips for avoiding loneliness and making the most of your maternity leave:

• Be specific in your requests. “Call me if you need anything” rarely leads to anything tangible. Clearly tell those around you what you need. Someone you can take a walk with or meet up with for a coffee in town? Someone to watch the baby while you do something for yourself?
• Accept offers of help. If you’re offered a ready-made dinner, a visit or an hour of babysitting, say yes! You’ll make those around you happy while also engaging in a bit of self-indulgence.
• Stay connected to the life you had before. Sending a text to a friend or having a chat with a colleague always feels good.
• Explore parent-and-baby activities. In addition to activities offered by private companies, there are libraries, municipalities and community centres that provide a variety of fitness classes for parents and babies as well as activities that can be done with a stroller.
• Visit a family centre. Coffee get-togethers, workshops, drop-in child care –these organizations are there for you.
• Start meeting people during pregnancy. Activities for pregnant women and prenatal classes give you a chance to meet other expectant parents who will be on leave at the same time as you.

For many mothers, taking the first step out of this loneliness is the hardest. But doing so might well bring you into contact with other mothers who are going through the same thing and who understand your reality.

That’s the idea behind the Mamatinées. Held throughout Quebec, these events take the form of a mom-and-baby centre, designed primarily to bring together mothers and local entrepreneurs. People come here with their babies, at their own pace, in a warm and caring environment. The goal? To take a break from daily life, feel supported and build connections.

“I often see moms arrive a little shy with their babies in their arms. An hour later, they’re chatting like old friends. It’s for moments like these that I organize the Mamatinées,” says Julie Caron, founder of these events and mother of three grown children.

A winning formula for ending loneliness

Why does it work? Because it provides what’s often missing during maternity leave:

• A reason to get out. Having a regular outing is the little shove that helps you get out the door.
• Moms just like you. No need to explain the sleepless nights, worries and colic because everyone understands.
• No-pressure connections. A smile, a coffee and a simple conversation.
• Useful discoveries. Booths run by local businesses showcase products and services designed by families, for families.