Talking to your children about parental depression or burnout
Written by: Nanny Secours
Intense fatigue, acute stress, burnout, parental depression: We have more and more terms to describe a reality that is very much present in society. This state of emotional and physical exhaustion often goes unmentioned, even though talking about it is usually the beginning of healing. At times like these, the support of the family is essential. So how do you broach the subject with your children?
The first step is to identify the problem. Chronic stress related to parenthood, lack of resources to compensate and social pressure are among the common causes of parental burnout. Can you spot the signs?
- Intense fatigue, sleep disorders and reduced energy;
- Mood changes and irritability;
- Difficulty making decisions and concentrating;
- Loss of enjoyment of family time;
- Feeling overwhelmed and feeling that you no longer fulfill your role as a parent;
- Less emotional availability and distancing.
If you experience some of these symptoms on a daily basis, it may be time to recognize that you’re not doing OK and that you need help. An approach of seeking psychological support from a qualified resource person, taking medication and adjusting your lifestyle habits (including physical activity and a balanced lifestyle) could help you get through this difficult episode.
Break taboos and ask your family for support
Knowing how to describe what you’re experiencing to those around you, without necessarily going into detail, can also be part of the solution. Unfortunately, as with many mental health challenges, our society tends to see parental burnout as a taboo subject. Whether out of shame, guilt or lack of resources, many distressed parents will bottle things up and try to hide their condition. Be aware that this approach is highly energy-intensive in everyday life and has an impact on children, who are particularly sensitive to their environment.
On the contrary, explaining to a child the reality of their parent’s burnout or depression is a step in the right direction towards healing. It can also help the family to get through this difficult time more gently.
Opening the conversation on parental burnout
When considering the suggested strategies, note that it’s important to find the right time to initiate this discussion. Choose a quiet moment in your routine, when you and your child have enough energy to broach this emotional subject. You’ll need to know what you do and don’t want to name and then tailor it to your child’s needs and development. Here are five important things to consider when talking to your children:
- Validate what they already know to adjust your talk.
- Use clear terms and examples.
- Let them know that they are not responsible for your health.
- Explain certain adjustments to the routine.
- Be optimistic and reassuring.
Despite the changes caused by parental burnout, such as a new division of tasks or the increased presence of a loved one on a daily basis, it’s important that your child understands that you’re still their parent, that you’re taking care of yourself and that you’re getting help to get better. Finally, you must respect their wishes to talk about it or not, but let them know that they can do so if they feel the need.
Many mental health resources to help you
Some books, such as Maman et le nuage qui passe and Papa et le nuage qui passe, offer a pictorial and sympathetic approach to the reality of a parent going through a difficult period related to mental health. If you’d like to prepare this discussion based on your reality, it’s also possible to talk about it with a qualified resource person, for example in family coaching.
There are more and more resources available to break down the taboos around subjects like parental depression and give you the tools to heal. If you’re faced with the dilemma of not knowing where to start, here are a few possible solutions:
- Cap santé mentale;
- The “Finding help and support for mental health” page from the Quebec government;
- The “Mental health support: Get help” page from the Government of Canada;
- Relief: an organization that helps people cope with anxiety, depression and bipolar disorder;
- Association québécoise de prévention du suicide (AQPS).
Your search for help shouldn’t be delayed just because you are a parent caught up in a fast-paced routine. Don’t feel guilty, and remember that the important thing is to move past this impasse and get better.
Written in collaboration with Marie-Michèle Bertrand,
Mental health occupational therapist , author and member of the Nanny secours network
